Aftermath of What Was and What Should Have Been: A Short Story

            I was fifteen years old when I learned how to not feel. It was autumn. I remember that. The leaves were a speckled array of tender yellows, dark inky reds, and vibrant pulsing oranges. Even the air seemed to tremble with life, it was crisp and it swept the scent of spices wherever it went as it caressed the bright leaves from the browned branches. I also remember that fall used to be my favorite season. Used to, being the key part there.

            My brother had just killed himself and actually had the audacity to leave a note behind. His name was Bryan and he wanted to be a doctor. Had wanted. And it was so very “Bryan” of him to write a bunch of pretty things down on a piece of paper so he could have closure while the rest of use were left wrenched in tumultuous mess, a punched out Bryan shaped hole knocked straight through our lungs.

            “This isn’t your fault, its mine.”

            Wrong Bryan. We are your family and we didn’t even see the signs, of course it’s our fault.

            “Please don’t be sad Mom.”

            Her firstborn child just did himself in, how the hell do you think she’s going to feel?

           “This is the best thing for everyone.”

            No. No it’s really not.

            “I’m so sorry.

            I’m sorry too.

            “I love you Grace, please be happy.”

            I hate you Bryan for doing this to us.

            Pretty words don’t patch up ugly things. There is nothing remotely touching or beautiful about what happened to my brother. The confident brown eyed boy who’s teachers had smiled and said he had lots of promise, was supposed to pick up his little sister from school for an ice cream date and he never showed up. He just left the girl waiting there for him as the hours ticked by, sitting cross-legged at the battered bus stop. Actually, I think she’s still waiting there. I lost that girl the second I got the frantic phone call from my mother later on that day. And that was it.

That was the end of Bryan Brady Seacrest. His heart had pulsed and pounded for 6939.6 days in a marvelous intricate struggle to keep him alive, he’d endured thirteen years of schooling, an alcoholic father who never showed up for anything, and one day I guess that heart woke up and decided it couldn’t go on any further and gave up. I had always imagined it said something like this- “I the heart of Bryan Brady Seacrest hereby do give up on life, my sister Grace is simply not enough, so I might as well go out with an awe-inducing bang.”

            Sometimes I try to remember the last thing I said to Bryan. I wish I could say it was something grand and sweeping like a resonating declaration about the power of love, or even a promise that it gets better.

Maybe that could have saved him.

I don’t know. Instead the last thing I ever said to him was in the form of a text message with the camel and banana emoji (*He hated both things). Just that. The two emoji’s plopped side by side awkwardly in a row. Of all of the things I could have said to Bryan, I didn’t actually even say anything, I just punched in two cartoonish symbols suspended on a glassy screen and now here I am left wondering could I have saved him with something else.

            But back to the not feeling part. Bryan’s funeral was huge. So big in fact they had to open up the foyers and even then faces were piled up against one another in the back of the room. I know this because I spent the entire funeral staring determinedly at it. The thin spindly woman who ran the home came up to me after and said that “Never before has the state of Virginia Funeral Home seen such a large meeting of people gathered to honor the life of a single soul. Your brother must have been a very special person.”

            Yes. Yes he was. I wanted to say, but the tears were stinging my eyes and my heart was pulsing heavy and painful in my chest again so I just nodded politely and looked at a black stain stretched across the wall over the woman’s bony shoulder. Wash your walls Virginia Funeral Home I thought bitterly and smiled sweetly through gritted teeth.

            My mom and I piled into the dark blue land rover, a black hurse was too depressing, she had said a couple days earlier as the tears rolled down her significantly sallowed cheeks, and drove off towards the stretch of grass that my brothers corpse would soon decompose in. I remember the long train of cars stretched out behind us for miles, the thundering metal machinery was all blurred into one darkish smear, a stark contrast between the pinkish horizon and the pulsing colors of the leaves, and I remember that it all just hurt so damn much.

            I hated feeling this way. I hated it. And I hated Bryan for doing this to us. And mostly I hated myself for doing this to Bryan.  So as the ebony casket was lowered slowly into the dark chasm like earth, I didn’t cry. I stared forward stock straight and focused on something in the distance. I tuned out the shaky sobs, the mumbled pleas, and the frantic beating of my mother’s heart as she watched all traces of her son vanish forever. I am stone. I am stone. Impassive and immovable. And in that moment it clicked, I didn’t feel and it no longer hurt.

            “Grace, don’t you want to say goodbye to your brother?” My mother’s voice had come out in strange high-pitched gasps that chipped away at my stone meticulously, but not enough to break through.

            “No. He did that all on his own.” I kicked off my spindly heels and stalked away through the grass back to the safety of the car the second the ceremony ended. I looked over my shoulder later and saw her slender figure uncharacteristically heavy as she bowed over the chasm and knew I should feel horrible, but I didn't. I just felt sort of empty.

            The next couple of years flew by in a similar fashion. I flung myself into an array of activities and kept myself busy. I navigated the halls of high school like a fighter in a ring, skirting the edges and plowing down anyone who dared to cross my path. I was pretty though. Small features, mysterious, careless blonde hair cascading around my face, damaged, but I was good, I spun it in an enticing tantalizing way. I broke boys hearts like other girls broke nails. There were no consequences though, because anytime someone would get frustrated and want to toss me out of their life for good they’d remember Bryan, because I was the girl with the brother who killed himself, I would always be that girl. So it became a sort of game to see how badly I could dance around and break people and break things and still escape unscathed. Grace – 23, rest of the world – 0. I was a champion of isolation and I reined my school with a frozen perfectly manicured fist.

            I was 19 and alone in my dorm room on a cool rainy night when I realized I hadn’t talked to my Mom for the past month and I came to the conclusion that not feeling anything was a completely terrible way to live.

All of the emotions my stony wall had kept at bay for the past three and a half years flooded me suddenly and knocked me to my knees as the granite was shattered into hundreds of piercing shards. Suddenly I was fifteen again and I cried the rest of the night huddled under the blankets as the rain beat a torrential beat against the panes.

            The next morning I drove all the way home and my Mom and I went and visited Bryan’s grave. The grass had covered the brown scar completely, and I could almost imagine my brother cheering the foliage on from somewhere nearby as the greenery healed the flaws of the earth. It was pretty and perfect, just the way he liked things.

            I’m 23 now and it’s autumn. I always get especially sad during this time of the year. Every single day, I think about Bryan my brother, who wanted to be a doctor, who hated bananas and camels, who used to take me on ice cream dates, who yelled at me when I crept into his room and snuggled against his blankets and breathed in his comforting scent, my brother who violently yanked himself out of my life leaving everything in ruins, who taught me how to turn it all off when things get tough, who weathered my beautiful mother well beyond her years. You see, in the grand scheme of things I don’t know if Bryan was a good guy or a bad guy, but I do know that he was my brother. And I sure do miss him a lot.

Two(plus) Months in Hawaii Summarized in Two(not plus) Sentences

You know those cool moments where you step outside of your house to take a little stroll and all of a sudden BOOM your knees give in and your breath kind of catches, and it's like you've been socked in the stomach because their stretched out in front of you is one of the prettiest things you've ever seen? And best of all this is the recurring dream that you get to wake up to every single morning?

-Sahalie's blown aways reflections of Hawaii July 28th - October 12th

Trapped in a Series of Long Distance Friendships

This is a blog post that is long overdue, seeing as I've been living in Hawaii for more then two months now. But I also think it's an important one for me to write before I move on to writing about my chapter of life on this exotic island; if for no other reason than to give me some sort of clarity and to express my gratitude for the people in my life who have come, gone, and stayed.

All summer long I was a sentimental wreck leafing through memories of the past with trembling fingers and trying to hold on tight to the people who are important to me.
I think it might be a natural human tendency-to hold on.
I also think it's okay to do so - as long as it doesn't interfere with the whole living part of life, you know?

That's what I miss the most about home you see.
It's not a feeling of comfort and it's definitely not safety, but I miss that elusive, indefinable web that weaves everyone together. That intricate web creates a state I like to call "the opposite of loneliness," and this is a state human nature has us craving and fighting for.

This feeling can be found anywhere, and I'm gradually finding it here in Hawaii, but there is just something so special about the people who surrounded me back in Utah.
I'm one of the lucky ones. I have an incredible circle of friends.

Friendship is such an underrated thing, and I can't think of anything more beautiful and important than the bonds created by people throughout life. So in honor of all of the important friendships I have, I made a list of the most important qualities of friendship I've noticed in my interactions with people.

Before I start though, its important to note that everyone deserves to have friends who possess these qualities, and if you haven't had the opportunity to meet anyone who has touched you in these ways yet, it's okay because the really beautiful thing is friendship is unexpected, it's never too late, and it can happen anywhere, and to anyone. So don't give up because you might just meet your soul-friend tomorrow in that obscure vintage store no one else seems to like, or perhaps in the line at McDonalds at 9:24 in the morning.

The Inspired Believer: 
Illusive and wild as they may be, they are your number one cheerleader.
They believe in you and support your every hope and dream.
This is the friend who paints pictures with words and makes you feel like anything is possible.

The Mind Speaker: 
Everyone needs a friend like this.
Someone to be blunt and say things like they are.
This is the friend who may come across as harsh, but it's only because they have your best interests at heart.

The Fearless:
This is the friend who flirts with danger.
She'll try everything once, and challenge you to face every fear.
It can be uncomfortable perhaps, but this is the friendship where personal growth is honed.

The Idealist: 
Ever the optimist.
This is the friend who will help you find the pretty parts in difficult things and difficult people.
Most importantly though, they'll help you to see the good in yourself.

The Comforter: 
She is relaxed and moves in a manner that rivals a summers day stillness.
This is the friend to calm the hecticness that creeps into life.
She is peaceful and will help you to find clarity in simplicity.

The Wild and Free: 
This friend is enthusiastic like the wind. They never do anything halfway, and they begin things with the special fierceness of a wild thing.
They don't sit stationary, they practically thrum with life, and they will help you to do the same.

The Welcomer: 
This is the friend who accepts everyone for exactly who they are.
Flaws and shortcomings have no meaning to her.
She makes everyone around her feel accepted, comfortable, and safe.

The Comedian:
This is the friend who will find a way to make you smile even when you think you feel nothing.
They have an unrivaled sense of humor and will shed light on every situation.

The Listener: 
This is the friend who is sincerely interested in you and knows you like no one else.
He lets you speak uninterrupted, and when he does speak, this is the friend who asks the real questions. This is the friend who will always believe in you.

The Unconditional Lover:
This is the friend who probably gets screwed over a lot, but isn't too worried about it.
This person loves and loves and will always care about you. Especially in the moments you     need it most.



These are just some of the important types of friends I've had in the past. Most of my friends possess more than one of these qualities, but each completely embody one in particular.
I really got so lucky in the friend department. I've made so many important relationships, and I've learned that friendship isn't talking to someone every day. Friendship is a sense of unity, mutual compassion, and unconditional love.

Actually to my friend's future family members, friends, roommates, and spouses, I have only one thing to say to you; take care of them, because in the words of Fitzgerald, "They are the finest, loveliest, tenderest, most beautiful people I have ever known, but even that is an understatement."

A Year of Lasts (and the great upcoming year of firsts)

So here I am.

It's 3 am and I'm sitting in bed, my prom dress sprawled out on the floor, and for some reason I'm feeling extra philosophical considering I've spent the last couple hours jumping up and down in a sweaty room to lyrics proclaiming the glories of a good booty and a one night stand.

Actually the philosophical part might have something to do with the fact that I've been listening to "See you Again" from the new Furious movie on repeat for the past hour.

That, and my prom dress is lying in this sad crumpled little heap, and I can't help but be reminded that this was it.

My last formal dance.

And while Senior year is certainly a year of lasts, Prom is particularly devastating because (now here's a freaky thought) if you're a senior girl like me the time you'll be dressed up to feel like a princess will likely be your wedding day, and if that's not even a little bit terrifying I'm not sure what is.

Here's the deal. We are growing up. Sorry, but it's true.

There is no denying it. And this is coming from the girl who used to write letters to Peter Pan almost every day for a year asking if she could go to Neverland all because her father naively replied to the first thinking it would silence the hope, but instead unleashed a full blown obsession. Let's just say it was not a pretty conversation when he finally dared to tell me he made it all up. Actually, I'm still in denial about the whole thing, my guess is Peter Pan payed him off in pixy dust to silence the whole ordeal.

Graduation looms closer and closer each day like an ominous cloud-at least that's how I see it when I think about saying goodbye.

Cause goodbyes suck right?

Why do they even call it that anyways? I still don't believe in a good goodbye, because how can saying goodbye help anyone at all? A badbye is a far more suitable word for the heartache it'll put you through.

 and I might talk a big talk about being all ready to move away and live my life and start doing all these great things I've had plotted out since the fifth grade, but the truth is it's scary.

I want to do stuff and I want to accomplish things as badly as I want to breath, but failure is imminent at some point. With my friends scattered across the globe and my family 2,993 miles away (I checked) will I be able to pick myself back up after that failure?

I think so. 

And I know you definitely can. 

Wherever you end up in the world I think we are all still connected somehow, even if we never speak again after crossing that stage and being handed that diploma, we were all here. Seniors in 2015. Through the tragic break up of beloved Zayn from One Direction, all of those long dragging assemblies, battling senioritis side by side- they've all lead up to this- entering the great unknown together. Even if this time, together means going our separate ways.

It's still scary though. The great unknown. Because high school, high school is good. At least it has been for me, (I know not everyone is fortunate enough to have had a good experience, and that really isn't fair) But, high school is comfortable and safe, and there is something reassuring about that no matter how much I want to be thrilling, unique and different. 

I'm good at high school, and I've loved just about every minute of it, and I'll miss it. 

But post high school brings a year of firsts, and coming with it a year of new adventures and new faces. And following that year a new year followed by another and another. Because you see High School isn't ending, it's our lives that are just beginning.

And as frightening as that can be, there is something just so beautiful about it.

Because I am ready, the same that I know we all are, despite how much we might tell ourselves that we aren't pretty enough, or smart enough, or powerful enough. 

We are ready. 

So let's finish this year out strong and go out and make some history, the rest of our lives are ahead. 

I hope we see each other

"How are you?"

The question is flung airily and carelessly through the halls between classes by peers who don't stop to hear the answer. You'll hear the question, but you wont meet their eyes, because even if you did you know they wont be looking back.
Perhaps they'll be coyly stealing glances at that cute guy behind your left shoulder, and maybe the only real reason they came up to "talk" to you was to look occupied until a better deemed option came along. Even worse, maybe, their eyes will meet yours, but the stare will be blank, completely void of human empathy, because they don't really see you. Nobody does.

"I'm good." You'll reply in an empty chorus of variations.Then you'll swallow that awful chocking feeling rising out of the back of your throat and replace it with that pretty plastered smile you always wear because you have to be that strong dependable girl, and it's not like they care to hear you anyways.
A clumsy hug is exchanged, the absence of any real warmth leaves deep claw marks etched in your skin, and you go your separate ways. Neither of you think anything of the exchange, because this is normal. "How are you?" "I'm good." "I'm okay." These questions and statements that nobody really hears- the words are empty now, and they've lost their meaning.

This is a true story that happens many times a day, and it's always a tragedy.

Words are powerful. They renew the spark of humanity in even the most hopeless of hearts, they incite chance, they hurt, they damage, they heal. Since the beginning words have always been there.

Empty words scare me. They terrify me. And there is no shortage of them in these haunted halls.

Make your words pulse and pound with vibrant light. Stay up late crouched on the back porch speaking in hushed voices as the moon emanates softly against the jet blue sky. Tell me about that time you saw your mother cry, and the time you won that glossy red ribbon back in second grade that you carried everywhere with you for weeks. Let's talk about our hopes, our dreams, our fears, and push small talk back into some small corner in our minds where the dust will settle thick and untouched, because we won't need it anymore.

I don't want you to pretend to be okay. I want you to be okay. And I want the word okay to mean what it is supposed to. I don't want it to be some blanket statement that you use to hide behind, because the cruelty of society has coerced you into believing that emotions and pain make you weak. I want to know all of you. The good, the bad, the ugly, because I'd always rather read the pages of a book smeared with time and worn down by fingertips pacing through it's pages, then scan through someone's flawless Instagram feed and only see what they want me to see.

Maybe I'm just seventeen, and hell, I'm unsure of a lot, but I know this. I hate small talk, and I want my words and your words to mean something.

So the next time someone asks me "How are you?" I hope that when I look up our eyes will meet, and we will share this crazy insignificant spark of human connection, and in that moment we will truly see each other.